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Two of the "inevitable things" finally happened. And both on the same day at that. Where do I even begin in writing this?

So, on Monday I went and sat by Jon, planning on asking him to prom. I started with some small talk, and then casually asked if he was going to prom, trying to see if he had a date. He said he didn't know, so my heart lept because that must have meant he didn't have a date. I then asked if he would like to go with me. My heart was pounding in anticipation. "I don't know," he replied again. I got that awful sinking feeling in my gut. "I don't know" in Jon's language means no. "So, you're telling me no?" I asked. Of course he said yes. All I could do was look at my feet for a few seconds, trying to recover from what felt like a slap in the face. "Well, this is embarrassing" is all I could choke out. "Uhh...sorry? Maybe you should ask Edwin," he said. I asked why, and he didn't really reply. More silence. Since it was the "perfect opportunity," I asked him the next question I've been wanting to ask. "So, do you even like me, or do you just like to randomly stick your hand down my pants sometimes?" I asked. "I don't really," he said. I knew what he meant but I asked "You don't really what?," just to clarify. "I don't really like you" he said. Then it was time for him to get off, and I was relieved.

I was so embarrassed and hurt. It turns out I was just the "token whore." Is it the same with Nignog too? How can I ever judge if someone likes me again? I mean, for obvious reasons, I thought if anyone liked me, it was Jon. I knew it all along though. I knew it down in my gut, but I hoped and prayed I was wrong. After the initial "slap," I was surprisingly fine. It hurt, but the ache was pretty dull, not sharp and constant like I thought it would be. I was actually happy about that. I was doing good, up until today.

One of the classes, I believe the freshman class, did a fundraiser. Everyone in the school took a personal "quiz," and then you could buy your results to see who you are most compatable with. The results came back this week, and being naturally curious, I bought my results. Guess who was in my 20 top matches. That's right, Jon. That really bothered me. I liked him because when I started talking to him, I found we had a lot in common, and he was actually kinda cool. Out of the whole school, only 20 people were selected, and he was one of them. Doesn't that kind of prove we would be good together? I judged him on his personality, not his looks, and I could see we have things in common, so why the hell can't he see it?! This "test" was more scientific, and he still doesn't ******** like me. It's not fair! It's just so frustrating and disappointing that he has to be such an a** and can't see. Now the ache is stronger and more constant. We only had a 60-something-percent match, but all of my matches were in the 60's. What does that say about me? I guess I'm not really that compatable with anyone. Doesn't surprise me though. That's why I doubt I'll ever get married.

Seriously, why did he bother "talking" to me again? It doesn't seem worth it to me just to stick your hand down the pants of someone you don't even like every once and a while. As much as I still like him and I know I'll miss him, though I shouldn't, I hope he doesn't try to "talk" to me again. I just can't emotionally take it. I think it's better for me if I just never talk to him again. If he does try anything again, I hope I have the strength to tell him how much of an a** he is. I wonder if he's bummed he lost his "free pants fun?" I know it won't happen, but I really hope he finds out he misses me and tries to talk to me, that way I can return the favor of rejection.

This also means that I'm officially considering myself date-less for prom, and thus not going. I always knew this would happen too. Luckily, I think from the fact that I had suspected this would happen for so long now, it doesn't hurt as bad. But, due to the recent circumstances, I've partially lost my want to go anyways. I've thought about asking Edwin before, and especially after Jon said it, but I just don't think I can do it. If he says no, I won't be able to take that twice, even though I'd only be asking him as a friend. He did come up as my third match on that test thing, kind of to my annoyance. I don't know, I just can't picture him as anything more than a friend. I think I'll casually ask him if he's going to prom to see if he has a date, but I highly doubt I'll ask him. Besides, if he wanted to go with me, then he should ask me.

I'm just hurt, confused, and frustrated right now.