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Today was my first day of school. *gag* The end of the last good summer I’ll ever have. I have so many thoughts and emotions going through my head right now, I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s see…

Senior year. It’s supposed to be my best year ever, but I can’t see how it’s going to be any different. Same old s**t, only with harder classes and a shitload of work and stress. I have two conflicting emotions about this year, and they make me feel confused about it. On one side, I know I’m going to want this year to fly by because it’s going to be a lot of work, and then I never have to go that place again. But on the other hand, I don’t want this year to fly by because then I’ll just have to go to college and get a job. Life will probably get worse before it gets better (if it ever does). I’ll just have to try to take it one day at a time I guess.

My good friend Hunter came back to my school, so I’m super happy about that. I always need someone else to hang with.

I kind of went through the day numb. I felt like I just went from class to class like a robot. The depression didn’t hit till I got home and was petting the cat. I think that cat embodies summer for me and all the things I’d rather be doing/a better life. That cat just wants so much attention, and I want to give it to him, but I just don’t have the time. As it was, I sat out for about an hour and pet him, but he still tried to get in the house and didn’t want me to leave. It literally pains me to shut the door in that cats face. I wish I could like take his soul and merge it with my own, that way we would always be together and always feel loved. I asked the neighbor boy about it, and he said they would let it in when it gets cold. I wish they would let it in now so it was safe and warm and I wouldn’t have to feel bad when I have to stop petting it. Just sitting on my deck petting him, reflecting on the day, I really felt depressed and overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, but I almost felt too numb…I couldn’t. The moment I got on the bus today, all my insecurities came flooding back. I hate moving through crowded hallways because I feel like everyone is staring and saying s**t about me. I know that sounds like paranoia, but I just want to shrink inside myself whenever I step inside that building. Even on the first day, my thoughts that I’ll never talk to anyone after graduation again seem reaffirmed. Besides Hunter, I really wasn’t glad to see anybody, or I don’t think they were glad to see me. Ann and I went to 5th hour together, and were already sitting down when Angela and Kayla walked in. There were two open seats by us, but they look at them and kept on walking. It just concreted how nobody really ever includes me. Another thing is the bus. There are barely any high school students on my bus now because they all have cars. Last year I didn’t mind because the bus ride home was usually interesting, but a lot of people are gone. I’m afraid the bus ride will just be long and tedious now, and I’ll feel like a loser for being one in only a handful of seniors still riding the bus.

One more year before I can get a (sort of) fresh start and leave all this s**t behind.