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It really sucks when I can't write in here about events right after they've occured because I can never quite seem to convey the same emotions that I felt at the time when I wait too long. In other words, more things have happened since the event I'm about to write about that have changed the way I feel...

So, the day after the last thing I wrote about (Jon sitting in the one-man seat), he was sitting alone in the last seat. He didn't move to the one man thankfully, so I moved back with him. We were semi-alone back there, with only one other person sitting kitty-corner from us. I sat by him and said a few words to him, though I can't remember now what I said. Then we sat in silence for a few minutes, and I was thinking about asking him whether he missed me. I really wanted to ask - almost needed to ask - but I was afraid of what he'd say. Just as I was about to say it, he asks "Did you miss me?" I was like "OMG! He was thinking the same thing!" A little more eagerly than I would have liked, I replied "Yes! Did you miss me?!" "Kinda," he said. My heart started to sink. I thought "Oh God, I'm about to feel like an a**." I wonder if he can tell when he hurts me by my face? He then asks: "How much did you miss me?" Being more guarded this time, and not wanting to sound to caring, I said "Well, how much did you miss me?" The next thing I know he's shoving his hand down my pants and asking me if I like it. Of course I said yes. He messes around down there for a while and then pulls his hand out and shoves it down the back of my pants and grabbing my a**. It was almost time for him to get off, so he pulls his hand out and sticks it down the front of my jeans again, explaining he "wants it one more time before he gets off." This time he really fingers me, pulling his finger in and out rapidly, and asks, "You want something else in there?" "Oh yeah" is all I could say. We then arrived at his house, and pulling his hand out right before I stood up to let him out, he nonchalantly says "See ya." "Yeah, see ya," I said back. I was really happy after that, because I thought maybe we were going to start doing this more often, and he was going to start talking to me more often...

Then this week happened. This has been one of the shittiest weeks I've had in a while. Everyday (except for today wasn't too bad) this week I've emotionally felt like s**t. The days have just been boring, and my best friend has kinda been acting weird, and saying she wants to move to Georgia by the end of the year. I could write a whole other entry about that, but I digress. On top of it, Jon has been kind of acting bitchy again. I sat by him Monday and Tuesday, and he didn't say much. On Monday I asked him things about his weekend, and he offered a few details, but then he just sat in silence. He didn't even bother to ask how mine went. He doesn't seem interested at all, and it really hurts. Then when I sat by him yesterday (Tuesday) he didn't even bother to take his earphones out to attempt to talk to me. I causually asked him what he was listening to, and he showed me. I liked the song he was listening to, and I stated that, and he just kind of said "cool," and then looked out the window. He could have offered to let me listen, like share earphones, but of course he didn't. I didn't even bother sitting by him today, to give him some space or whatever. I just don't understand why he bothered making an effort to "talk" to me again when he practically ignores me. Am I really the token whore, and he just wants me around when he wants to stick his hands down my pants? God, this just kills me inside. I feel like I need to ask him that now more than ever, but I'm really scared of what he'll say. I really want to go to prom with him, but I'm terrified to ask now. I'll be so embarrassed when he turns me down. Maybe he would be more talk-a-tive if we weren't surrounded by others? I hate this emotional rollar coaster he puts me on.