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I just can't take this s**t! Especially during the last couple of years, I'm just not emotionally stable enough to handle stuff like this. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. There is some good (at least I think it's good) before I end on a bad note (At least I think it's bad).

So, you know how I previously wrote about how Jon was grabbing me again? Well, yesterday morning on the bus, it was packed. The only two seats left with only one person sitting in them was Jon and Cletus. I chose Jon over Cletus. Little b***h sat by Cletus then anyways, so there were officially no high school seats not full, if there were any on the bus at all. It felt kind of weird sitting by Jon, but honestly I wanted to sit by him anyways to see if he would say anything to me. We almost got to school, and he still hadn't done anything, so I figured I'd have to be disappointed again. Then we picked up this other high schooler, and since there were no more seats, he told me to scooch over. I was pressed right up against Jon. All I kept thinking was "Oh God!" My heart was beating with anticipation - anticipation whether he was going to do something, or whether he wasn't.

Then, sure enough, he started rubbing my leg. He started at the knee, and slowly worked his way up to my thigh. I could tell he was probably a little tentative, because he didn't rub the inside of my thigh, which I would expect from him. My heart continued to pound. Part of me was thinking "He's got one hell of a nerve! What an a**!" and the other part was thinking "Yes! This is what I've wanted and missed! Don't stop touching me!" Even though part of me was resisiting, it still made me horny (It sucks to go to school horny. It makes it really hard to concentrate). I was still undecided about how I was going to deal with him, so I didn't say anything or make any moves in return. When we got to school and I stood up to exit the bus, he grabbed my a** again. All day I was stuck thinking about it at school, and wondering what the bus ride home would bring.

On the way home, there weren't any open seats, so I sat by Nignog. That was interesting in itself. The whole way to his stop, he had his hand hand under my a** and was rubbing my crotch through my jeans. I wished it was Jon, but I didn't do anything to stop him. In a kind of sick way, that still made me like Jon better because at least he has the balls to actually stick his hands down my pants. Anyways, when we arrived at Nignog's stop, I stood up to let Nignog out, and Jon grabbed my a** again. I waited to the next stop, dealing with my conflicting emotions. I knew there was no way I could stay away from him, so I moved over beside him.

I just sat there in silence for a few minutes, while he took out his earphones. "What's up?" he said. "Nothing," I replied. I sat in silence for a few more seconds, then I finally asked "So, what the hell is your problem?" He asked me what I meant. I said about how he treats me like s**t and then acts like this again. He replied "That one day I told you not to sit by me was because I wanted to play a joke on Jessica (this annoying little b***h who rides my bus), and if you sat by me then it would have ruined it." I though about it for a few moments, and then said, "Well, you knew I was pissed at you, so why didn't you come and talk to me?!" "Because you were mad at me, so I didn't want to talk to you," he answered. I don't remember if we said anything else, or it might have been time for him to get off.

I'm just so conflicted about that. Yes, I was very happy, but he still should have been the one to come to me. I guess in a way he did, but he still should have talked to me. It pisses me off that he never actually said he was sorry, but I get the feeling he's not the kind of guy who does that. Besides, how long will it be this time before he starts treating me like s**t again?

Then today he grabbed my leg in the morning, but not for as long. Maybe because I didn't do anything in return again. I'm still conflicted. I did squeeze his knee then before I got off, to try and reassure him that I was interested. He quickly grabbed the inside of my thigh before I stood up. I was happy, because I thought that "that's more like Jon."

Except for a couple of hours, the day was kinda boring. I was looking forward to the bus ride home because there were still some things I wanted to ask Jon. Jon was in the very back seat by Nignog, and there were no seats close to the two of them, so I sat by my other friend. I was planning on moving back with Jon after Nignog got off, but then Jon moved to the one-man seat because it opened up. I don't know how to take this. He could have stayed where he was, so is that a diliberate attempt to avoid sitting by me? Or am I just being paranoid and reading too much into stuff? It was kind of like a kick in the gut because I really wanted to ask him if he missed me when I didn't talk to him, and if he really liked me, or if I'm just the bus's token whore. I need to ask these questions, but I'm scared to know the answer. What if he says no, then yes? I'll probably cry.

It's really bothering me that he moved to the one-man. I guess if he's going to act like an a** again, I have no one to blame but myself this time. I'm the one who let myself talk to him and got my hopes up. I told myself I wouldn't let him bother me this time, but I guess that's not possible. Last night I woke up at 2:30 because I had a dream about him. I don't remember what happened, but all I could do was lay in bed and think about the situation. I wanted him so bad. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I was pretty tired when my alarm went off. I can't rule out that it's not my fault though. Maybe he's mad because I let Nignog grab my a** and don't say anything to him. I really hope he's not mad, but if he is, then I guess I would like for him to be jealous. That would show that he actually cares. I was kinda hoping again that I could ask him to prom.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time...