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Well, despite what I thought at certain time during the year, I actually made through another grade. It’s finally summer vacation! I feel this is an accomplishment. That I made it through without killing myself, that it. Especially with some of the emotional s**t I had to endure this year. I don’t know. As a whole, my depression wasn’t too bad, not like it was a few years ago. I did have times though when I really wanted to go climb something tall and jump. Especially towards the end of the year. I was so ******** stressed. I had so much s**t due at the end of the week, and only two days to do all of it. There were at least two nights in a row where I cried myself to sleep. I just felt so overwhelmed. I seriously had this tight, awkward feeling inside of me. It felt like I had guitar strings that were wound way to tight and were going to snap at any moment. I thought I was going to be the youngest person in history to suffer and mental breakdown. This really scares me. I feel like this now, and it’s only going to get worse. Soon I’ll be going to college. I can’t even imagine how greater the work and stress is going to be there. Am I going to be able to handle it? I’m not so sure. If I can make it through college without blowing my brains out or having a breakdown, I really will think it will be a miracle. I just keep thinking: what is the point to all this? I’m busting my a** through school, never really happy. I’ll go to college, bust my a** even more, and probably will be even less happy. Then, if I make it through, I’ll get a job, hopefully making enough to satisfy me, but I probably won’t ever be truly happy. I just keep thinking to myself that if I can get through this, or if this happens, then I’ll be happy. But I’m still not happy yet. At best, I’m just content at times. I’m beginning to think that I’m just not a happy person. Content is the best I can get. But I still hold to my thinking that once I’m finally done with college, in my own place, and making enough to support myself, then I’ll have a good contentment. I’ll be as happy as I can get. I keep holding on to that thought.

It’s summer, and usually I’m feeling really good about now, but I still have this inner, wound too tight, stressed feeling. I think it’s because I realize that this might be my last good, normal summer. Next summer I will have graduated. Things will most likely be topsy-turvy. I’ll have to much s**t to do to get ready for college, plus just the anxiety and nervousness I’ll feel because of the fact that I’ll be starting college. I’ll probably have a job (or at least I really should have a job), so there goes my leisurely summer days spent reading and getting on the computer. There is just so much I want to accomplish this summer, and I know I won’t get to it all. Sure, I have three months, but these three months will feel like the shortest of my life. I haven’t even been off a full week yet, but already I can feel my time off slipping through my fingers. And when I go back, I will be hard classes, more depression, and the same old social s**t I have to deal with. I wish I could just shake this feeling, and live these three months ignorant to what I know I’ll have to deal with when I go back, but my ever realistic mind won’t let me forget past or future worries. I’ve never really felt this way over summer before. Usually I have no problem shedding the past year’s stress and letting it dissolve into a good book or into my time spent on Gaia, but I just can’t shake these negative feelings this year. Maybe I just need to give it time. I haven’t been out a week yet, so maybe I just need more time spent relaxing for my mind to calm.

Now that it’s summer, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year, and just high school in general. They say that these are the best years of your life. Live these up, because you’ll never get them back. I’m just not seeing it. For me, these years have been shitty at best, and at some times felt like hell. I keep telling myself that “it has to get better than this. I’ll be the opposite. When I’m working and on my own, those will be the best years.” Then I think, what if these really are the best years of my life? What if it really doesn’t get any better than this?! This really scares the s**t out of me. If this is the best it gets, what is the rest of my life going to be like? How can my stress be any greater than at certain times I experience it now? Sure, I guess if you’re not making enough to pay rent and you don’t know where your next meal is coming from that’s pretty stressful, but I’m hoping by going to college, getting a degree and a job, and making at least a decent amount of money, I can eliminate a lot of the future stresses from my life. I consider myself a realistic person, but I hope that even in my thinking now, I’m still not naïve. They also say that in high school, you’ll make some of your greatest, and some lifelong friendships. Once again, not happening to me. I really don’t feel close with anybody. Sure, I have someone I consider my best friend, but even then she’s not great. She’s always doing stuff (or in a lot of cases, not doing stuff) that disappoints me. This has hardened me towards her, where I don’t feel like treating her as a friend, and I often find myself stopping and thinking “Ok, what would a good friend do?” I lost the only person I ever really felt a deep, solid connection with when I stopped talking to Sydney. With her, being a good friend came naturally. I subconsciously thought about her and wanted to do things for her that would make her happy, even though I didn’t always show it. Now I’ve lost that connection with people, and I have to think about what a good friend would do in the situation. Even though I am good friends with Ann, it would surprise me if we talked or got together after graduation. I don’t think I’ll keep in contact with anyone from high school after graduation. I just don’t feel close enough with anyone anymore to feel the need or want to. I doubt I’ll ever go to a reunion also. Sure, there are a few people I would want to see how they are doing, but only a handful. Most of the people I could give a s**t less about. I see almost everyone having a good time and having great relationships like they say, but it’s just happening to me. I don’t know.

Now that another year is over, this makes it my fourth year without a boyfriend. No one has wanted me in four years. It makes me feel like s**t. The thing is though, it’s not that I really want a boyfriend all that much, it’s more the fact that no wants me. It’s probably for the better though. One some T.V. program, the narrator said something about your first high school boyfriend/girlfriend being a rite of passage. I’m never going to have that. I’m never going to experience a high school relationship, when things start to get a bit more serious. I’m sure dating in high school isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s the fact that I won’t get the chance to experience it. I know I have one more year, but I highly doubt that I’ll get a boyfriend next year. I just feel like I’m missing out on so much. It’s not like I can really date normally anyways. First, I don’t have a car, so unless he did, it’d be hard to get together. The biggest thing though is the house. A big part of being with your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t really going on dates to, like, movies, it’s more hanging out at each other’s houses. That can’t happen here. We would always have to be at his house. He’d want to come over here, and I’d have to say no. He’d start to wonder why I never even invited him in. At least this way it saves me from embarrassment and having to make up excuses. It’s bad enough with friends, I wouldn’t want a boyfriend to make excuses to also.

Just some collective thought about the past year, summer, and life.