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I’m in a really dark place right now. I can hardly even function. My biggest feat today so far is starting up the computer and writing this. Mike asked on Monday if I wanted to hang out today (Wednesday). I said sure, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be free, so I told him to let me know. Well, today is Wednesday, and I haven’t heard a thing from him. Not a single thing from him yesterday, and nothing so far today. I’m just about going crazy trying to think of explanations. He should have known by last night if he would be free or not, and especially by now, the day we were supposed to hang out, so why hasn’t he texted me? Even if he wasn’t going to be free, letting me now either way isn’t too much to ask. If it were up to me whether we hung out, wouldn’t he like to know either way?! I just can’t figure him out. One moment he seems interested, the next he doesn’t, one moment he texts, the next he doesn’t, one moment he wants to hang out, the next I don’t hear anything from him in over a day. Does he legitimately think the way he acts is ok, or is he socially retarded? Is he really interested in me, or is he just ******** around and playing games with me? If he is interested at all, how exactly? Romantically? Just friends? Or is he just looking for a ******** buddy? Logically, since he brought up hanging out in the first place, it would seem like he is interested. But everything else about this isn’t logical. I’m not going to sugar coat this: he seems like a loser. He’s worked at Borders for seven years, and doesn’t seem to have any other prospects. At least the way he talks, it doesn’t seem like he has much of a social life either (Which brings me to another point. If he has no social life, why wouldn’t he know if he was free today? He offered no explanation, and it was very ambiguous.). So a single, 26 year-old loser doesn’t even want me. But isn’t it sad that I want him? I mean, it’s not like I’m looking to marry him or anything, it would just be nice to have an attractive member of the opposite sex want me. He would also give me something to do and someone to hang out with this summer. Like I said, I’m in a dark place right now. When I think about it, I’ll just burst out in sobs. There’s this dark place inside me, this abyss, which is void of happiness or any good feelings. Most of the time it at least have my head above its waters, but I’m definitely plunging into its depths today. My head is foggy, and I’m sick to my stomach. Well, I am sick with some kind of cold, but I don’t know how much my cold is effecting and how much is just my internal state right now. I think it’s pretty safe to say the stuffy/runny nose is my cold, but I think the upset stomach, body aches, and cloudy head are brought on by my depression, or at least sustained by it. I know I need to talk to a shrink, get some meds or something, but now I don’t even have insurance, so it’s not going to happen.

I can’t help thinking that my mother is the only one who will ever truly love me. And sometimes I don’t always feel the love from her. I keep having visions of my future. I picture myself in my 60’s, sitting alone in my apartment. I have no friends or family. My mother’s the only one who ever seemed to care at least a little, and when I’m in my 60’s she could very well be dead. I’m going to die totally alone. It’s not even the fact that I’m scared to be alone, it’s just the fact that nobody wants me. Besides a low self-esteem, being kind of cynical, and not being the most energetic person, do I really have that many major flaws? But even if I did find somebody, it’s not like it would last anyways. Everything ends, especially the good things. In the end, aren’t we all alone anyways? My mom keeps telling me not to worry about Mike, and that I’ll meet someone in college, but I find it very hard to believe. I know a lot of people don’t find someone they want to be with into their 30’s, so I know I sound naïve, but at least most of those people have had multiple people who have at least been interested in them. I can’t even find one person who wants me. Plus, it’s not like I’ll be living at the college, so I’m not really going to be around there as much as others, so that really limits the chances I’ll have of finding someone who’s interested in me. Plus, I don’t really think my mom can relate to what I’m going through. Throughout high school and up until she married my father, shortly after high school, she’s always had a steady stream of boyfriends, and at least a couple of those for a year or more. And they’ve always pursued her. I don’t think she’s even had to work so hard as to lift a finger to get a guy. I wish some of those qualities could have rubbed off on me. It’s not really that I’m so into Mike and so devastated that he’s not into me, it’s more just that he represents another guy who doesn’t even want to give me a chance. And it’s not that I’m so desperate that I really want him, it’s that a 26 year-old maybe loser isn’t desperate enough to want me. I know it’s pathetic that all I can do today is sit here and sob on and off, but when I think of how pathetic I am, it makes me cry more. I’m never really too fond of myself, but I’m really hating being me right now. I wish I could step outside and a meteor would just hit me so I wouldn’t even have to go through the motions of this meaningless life anymore. It’s crazy how many times I’ve been up and down this week. I was feeling really good on Friday with getting a car and having Mike actually contact me. By Sunday I was in the abyss. Monday I was on a high again when he asked me to hang out. Yesterday I started me slow descent back into the abyss. Now I’m fully submerged in it, reduced to nothing but a blubbering idiot on a day I was so looking forward to. I want to text him so bad, but I know if I do I’ll seem very desperate. My mom keeps telling me I can’t always be the aggressor, and that a relationship shouldn’t be this hard. One person shouldn’t have to put this much work in, because that’s not a good relationship, and it won’t work anyways. I know she’s right, but I still can’t help feeling this way. I’m left here hanging on to the false hope that he’ll contact me, when I know it probably won’t happen. But then again, would it just be better if he didn’t contact me? Maybe I could start to heal. I hope he doesn’t contact me later this evening and say something like “Hey. Want to hang out in an hour?” I won’t be able to do it because A) I won’t be able to get ready and be wherever he wants to be in an hour, and B) my mom wouldn’t let me go because she’d think it’s rude to give me such short notice (which it is). Then I’d probably ask him to reschedule, which I don’t think would be till at least Monday. Then I’ll have to go through this whole process all over again, because he probably wouldn’t contact me again. I just don’t know. I keep thinking “Well, maybe he wants me to contact him because he doesn’t know if I’m interested.” But I gave him my number; it should be pretty obvious I’m interested. I’m just completely confused about pretty much everything in my life right now. This is a great start to my summer. I’m out of school, so summer is supposed to be a time when my depression is better, but now it’s worse than it’s been in a while. I already feel broken, but this new blow has shattered me into even smaller pieces.